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Travel News
September 11, 2010, 9:00 pm
September 9, 2010, 4:50 am
September 9, 2010, 3:00 am
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If Bill Maher were elected to the White House... His platform: “I’m an old-school believer that the first function of government is protection. I’d take the Department of Homeland Security and do away with all the pork-barrel nonsense that it’s supporting. Like we need to go spend a fortune to protect places like Montana at the expense of New York and Washington? I mean, there are places that terrorists have never heard of in America that are getting tons of funding in the name of Homeland Security. This makes us very vulnerable. We need to protect our large cities, and our nuclear power plants. We need to get the politics out of Homeland Security.“And I’d do away with the National Endowment for the Arts while I’m at it, because it has no place in government. I’m against subsidies as well. There’s a myriad of roles government plays that it shouldn’t. It’s what they call ‘function creep,’ as in the more government takes on, the more nonessential roles and responsibilities creep in. And that takes the government away from what it was intended to do. “We’d get out of Iraq, obviously. And I’d focus on global warming. All of our problems are irrelevant if we’re all under 40 feet of water. Yes, we all know that Mexicans are pouring over the border, but so is Greenland.” A sampling of his Cabinet: Secretary of Defense: Colin Powell. “He’s a soldier after all, so he knows the business. He’s smart and practical. People say he should have quit Bush earlier than he did, but I have the opposite view. He was trying to be a good soldier. He was trying to be a patriot. He was trying to be the one voice of sanity in the room.” Secretary of Health: Bill Clinton. “If you want to talk about the smartest guy in the room, that’s Clinton. As far as his qualifications for Health, he’s had his brush with death and now he’s taking on public health issues, like getting fast food out of our school cafeterias. He’s taking on obesity and AIDS. And he’s happy by nature. We all know that a critical element of health is happiness.” Secretary of Education: Noam Chomsky. “He’s a professor, and he’s really smart. Just listen to his name—Chomsky. It even sounds smart.” Vice president: “Boy, you could give that job to anyone. It doesn’t matter. So how about the guy that Dick Cheney shot? Don’t you think he’s earned it?” — By Dennis McCafferty |
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